Rick Your Poison
by mautlan
Summary: Six months have passed since Rick's arrest. Jerry is the leader of Earth's new government, Beth gets a freaky bird, Summer flips burgers for a bunch of fetishizing Flargerdarps, Morty drools a lot and Rick is tortured by a couple of insect glip glop sadists. Prompt from /u/corrom on reddit.


"As we all...know", droned the weird looking tentacle creature to a fancy hall full of aliens, "the Earth...Leadership...Council was never meant to be a permanent... fixture." Tentacle guy paused strangely between certain words in a way that reminded Beth of Captain Kirk from the original Star Trek series. She turned up the TV a bit as the camera panned over all of the little round tables with their white cloths. Beth noticed Jerry sitting near the front with two of his new alien work buddies-she remembered that they were called Blaggablagblags or something-and she was unsurprised. He'd been climbing up through the ranks of the new earth government at a disconcerting pace.

"Well, good news!" He lifted some of his tentacles up and shook them rapidly.

"That's the wayyyyy the news goes!", squawked the parrot standing on the arm of the couch. Beth's stomach dropped a bit. How did the bird know her dad's stupid catchphrase? She finished off the wine in her glass.

"Good news", the guy repeated. "We have finally appointed...a PERMANENT LEADER!" A pause for some premature cheering and clapping.

The camera panned over to Jerry, who was fidgeting with nervous excitement, and focused directly on his face. Oh god. "You can't be serious" Beth said aloud to the empty living room. Well, mostly empty. The bird (who she had yet to name) responded with an obnoxious cackle.

"Jerry Smith! Please come up...to the podium!" Tentacle guy made a gross noise that beth had come to recognize as a sort of 'signing off' signal used during televised speeches and announcements from the new government. Jerry stood up, tripping over his own foot a bit and stumbling out of the chair, and hurried to the stage with an embarrassed frown.

Beth was watching from between her fingers as her husband scrambled up the stairs and adjusted the microphone.

"Ahem," he began, tugging at his shirt collar. His facial expression changed rapidly from frightened to relaxed to embarrassed to a weird grimace and then finally came to rest at a stiff smile. "Hello, people of Earth!" The room erupted in applause. It was a very disturbing sound, Beth thought, with all of the alien screeching and slapping of tentacles, but Jerry didn't seem to notice as he grinned brightly.

"It's been a looong journey to get to this point", he continued, "but here we are. Ah ha ha." The ridiculous sequence of facial expressions once again flashed by. "Um…ahem…" His voice was trembling.

Beth found the entire ordeal very difficult to watch and could feel her face flushing with embarrassment (and maybe from the wine which she was now gulping straight from the bottle). Hadn't he prepared a speech?! Why hadn't he told her that he was appointed the new leader of planet Earth!? She groaned in resignation. It was no use. There was no point. He was a piece of shit anyway. She took another swig of wine.

After a few very fake coughs, another throat clear and a small whimper, the new leader of Earth spoke again. "Thank you!", he blurted, his face ashen. "That's...that's all."

An awkward pause, and then the terrible noise from the audience started up again. Screeching, slapping, sucking and gurgling along with some shouts of "Hail the New Earth leader!" and "Go Jerry! Yyyeah Smith-yyy! go J-man!"

Beth turned off the TV. She started to down the rest of the bottle but was interrupted by a quiet, "What...the fuck" from right behind the couch. She lazily turned around to see both of her children staring at the black television screen with eyes wide as saucers. "Was that…?" Summer trailed off just as her brother suddenly seemed to snap out of his own trance. "What in the hell! Dad is the new leader of Earth!? What! Th-th-th..this is...care to...do you want to explain this!?"

Beth simply shook her head and slumped down on the sofa. She raised an eyebrow at the vaguely alien parrot, who offered, "He's a suck-up?"

"Sounds about right", she mumbled just as she dozed off.

* * *

A few hours after the induction ceremony, Jerry's alien buddies sat around a large oval table with ten or twelve others. At the head was an insect-like official who was flanked by two more of his species.

"I am pleased", started the official, "that everything has gone so well. Blargle, Bloogle, you've done an exceptionally good job of befriending the human and keeping things under control. I am promoting both of you. As for the rest of you…" he paused, "what can I say? You've all outdone yourselves. We have the human in place-great choice on that one, by the way, Vlarka, he's a total idiot which really is perfect-and we're ready to get started on this planet!"

The room was filled with applause. Blargle, Bloogle and Vlarka smiled and thanked everyone as they were congratulated. The official at the head of the table chuckled darkly.

* * *

Summer lazily flipped a meat patty right off of the grill. "Ugggh", she groaned in irritation as she bent down to pick it up. Was this what high school had prepared her for? "Just gotta remember that insane paycheck." She tossed the patty into a trash can with a bit more pep.

In the next room, a large group of Flargerdarps leaned in hungrily to watch the screens that showed Summer from various angles as she worked in the kitchen. They all hummed in pleasure when she bent over to retrieve the patty. "Look at that spine", one of them whispered. The rest purred in agreement. "I'd sure like to get her into the nest", an older Flargerdarp remarked crudely. Another chirped in approval and added, "Imagine...the things she could do with that hair." "Oof!", a fourth guy nearly shouted as he was overwhelmed with the thought. "Yes, that hair. The color...just imagine the possibilities! Oh, to be young and fertile again." A murmur of concurrence and lust passed through the horny bunch of Flargerdarps. "Wait, I have an idea."

A single Flargerdarp left the room and appeared on the screens.

"Hello, Summer", he sing-songed, "woops!" He swatted the new patty right off of the grill and then waited with an anticipatory grin, giving one of the cameras a wink. His friends and coworkers laughed and created a tighter circle around the screens.

Summer just stared at the guy with one eyebrow raised. "You want me to pick that up?", she asked dryly. "You're not paying me enough for this."

The Flargerdarp was surprised-they were paying her double what any of their other employees were making-but he didn't hesitate in his response. "Do you want more money? A bigger paycheck? I can arrange that."

The redhead squinted suspiciously. "Um...okay?"

"It is done!" He shouted, "We will double it again!"

Summer's eyes widened. "Wait...really? Wow, you guys are weird."

When she bent down to pick up the patty this time it nearly brought the whole group of Flargerdarps to orgasm.

* * *

Muffled sobs escaped from underneath Morty's pillow. 'I can handle it if you leave', he had said, 'but it will break Mom's heart.' He had known that the first part wasn't entirely true, but he hadn't realized the extent to which he would miss his grandfather and their adventures. There were no tears at this point; they were dry sobs, more out of anger and frustration than the grief that he had felt just recently. Being angry at Rick was much easier than being mournful and scared for him.

Morty cast one last bitter sob into the soft feathers before flinging the pillow onto the ground and rolling over to reach underneath his bed. He pulled out a mostly empty bottle of wine and a bag full of large seeds. They were all very pointy. 'That means they're good ones', his grandfather had said.

The dismal fifteen year old popped the cork, tipped his head back and took a long swig of wine, burping loudly and neglecting to wipe his chin after he finished. He could feel the spittle but he didn't care. In a weird way it made him feel closer to Rick.

He opened the bag of seeds and pulled a face. Only three left? Really? Time to dig through Rick's stuff again.

Tumbling lazily out of bed, Morty found himself face-down on the floor and just stayed there for a moment before pushing himself to his feet. Somehow he managed to drag himself to the garage, but once he got there he was hit with a wave of emotion and leaned heavily against the wall for support. He hadn't been in the lab since the first time he'd snooped around right after Rick left. "Fuck this", he mumbled. his voice cracking, "Fuck you, Rick." Morty slid down the wall and rested his head on his knees. Feeling no motivation to move, he stayed in that position for what felt like an eternity.

* * *

Federation prisons suck huge balls. Kinda like Jerry, Rick thought. 'Run, Morty!', he could remember himself shouting, 'You have no idea what prison is like here!' Jesus.

The glip glop dolts working at the prison had left him strapped to that contraption-meals were fed and...other things were taken care of without unstrapping him-for literally six months. He groaned miserably when that realization hit him. Rick figured that at this rate he was going to need physical therapy or something if he ever got the fuck out. He was in a whole world of agony and he imagined that all of his muscles resembled shriveled up seaweed. The pain wasn't purely physical, either; he hadn't had alcohol in half a year and his mind without it wasn't exactly somewhere that he enjoyed visiting. Kinda disconcerting, too, that he hadn't heard anything from anyone. No signs or signals of a break-out attempt from any of his 'friends'. _Assholes._

Even stranger was the fact that nobody, in all of his time there, had attempted to torture him for information about anything. He almost wanted to be tortured just to get off of the goddamn cell thing. So when those motherfuckers finally brought his prison panel-whatever down to the ground and started to unstrap him, he was secretly thankful beyond his own belief despite knowing that this was probably not going to end well.

He had planned to keep his mouth shut and just shoot them death glares if this ever happened, but once the guards were at his eye level he wondered how he had ever expected himself to maintain that kind of control.

"Hey, c-cocksuckers!" Rick blurted, "You-y-yy-y-you taking me on a d-date? Be-be-b-b-bec...b-because…ugggh." He groaned in frustration and rolled his eyes at himself. He hadn't used his voice in almost six months (the jerks on either side of him might as well have been plumbuses) and the stutter that he'd had to work against his entire life was back full-force.

The three insect-like guards glanced between each other in mild amusement before one of them slammed a lever down that opened Rick's restraints. The scientist collapsed like a rag-doll and started cursing against the ground as he was agonizingly forced out of the position that he had been held in for-fucking-ever. He tried to lift his head to curse at the insects, but the best he could do was turn it to the side. His arms and legs were definitely not moving and he was not even going to try. He wouldn't give them the satisfaction of watching that.

They seemed entertained enough at his current situation, Rick noticed, and a hot rage started to boil in his chest. "S-sickos", he spat at them, "C-couple of ff-fuck-fucking d-ding-dong b-b-bitch d-dick eat..eaters w-w-with-"

He was cut off by a boot to the side. He would have folded in on himself, but again, these bastards weren't going to see him struggle. "Ow!", he shouted instead, "W-watch it! S-suck mm-m-m-m-my-"

A fabric gag was shoved roughly into his mouth as the other two guards wordlessly hoisted him up by the shoulders. It hurt like hell, but the gag hid his grimace and he refused to make any more sounds of pain. They dragged him down a long hallway and into what was definitely an 'advanced interrogation' room. Rick warily eyed a counter with all sorts of unfriendly looking tools and contraptions on it.

A metal table-like an autopsy table, Rick thought, if autopsy tables had leather restraints as precautions against the undead-sat in the center of the room, and he was unsurprised when he was clumsily dropped onto it. He rolled his eyes again as the bugs straightened him out and began to strap down his wrists and ankles. "Really? Restraints? Is that really necessary?", he asked through the gag, but it came out more like "Rrrllly rstrnnn nggg nssessung". It was a rhetorical question anyway.

The gag was ripped away from his mouth and one of the crickets used a knife to slice his shirt off. A cold metal object was placed on his bare chest. He glared at the bureaucrat sons-of-bitches with resolute contempt.

"Where is the council of Ricks?", one of them asked.

Rick could have burst out laughing. He did, actually, but it hurt so he quickly stopped. Of all the things they could have asked him-everything that they could get from him-and they ask for the location of an entire army of Ricks. Didn't they realize that they would be rickedy wrecked if they tried to go there? That this one Rick had the knowledge of all of those lesser Ricks combined anyway?

But whatever, right? It was hardly even a secret. He decided that he would just tell them and escape from whatever the hell interrogation routine they had planned.

"Ehh-iit-eh-it-it's...ugh, jeez." He took a deep breath and prepared to try again, but not before the metal thing on his chest sent a wave of painful electricity through his already cramped and aching muscles. He shouted in pain and surprise despite himself. "Whhh-whh-what-what the fuck? I-I-I-I was g-gonna t-tell you! St-stupid pricks!"

The insects laughed. They were laughing! The sadistic bastards. Sick freaks.

Another wave of electricity seized Rick's entire body and he let out a choked cry. This one seemed to last forever and his chest heaved with exhaustion and rage when the current finally stopped. "J-Jesus christ", he gasped, "y-y-you s-sadistic...sons...of...whores…"

When the current started for the third time Rick realized that this was going to suck big dick whether he gave them the information or not. _Alright, then. I won't fucking tell you anything._

* * *

The front door slammed behind Summer as she kicked off her work shoes. Her mom was snoring loudly on the couch with a couple of empty wine bottles and a bunch of used tissues scattered around. Summer looked at her pitifully for a moment before heading upstairs.

She glanced into Morty's room to see him passed out in the same manner as Beth, but he had those weird drugs in addition to bottles. Spittle dripped down his chin in a way reminiscent of Grandpa Rick. Summer sighed and continued toward her room.

Rounding the corner, she found herself face-to-face with a tall, green alien with a bulbous head and one big orange eye. The teenager let out an instinctive scream which caused the alien to jump a bit.

"Oh god", she exhaled, hand on over her heart. "You're..you're Rick's friend, right? I remember you from the party. You scared the shit out of me."

"And you me", responded the shaken creature in a high voice. "Yes, I am a friend of Rick's. I am also a freedom fighter." His timidity seemed to wane when he said this. "I and a few others have formulated a plan to free your grandfather. Are you willing to help us?"

Summer gaped at him for a minute as she tried to process what he had just said. "I...yeah, of course."

"And Morty?"

"Oh, um…" She glanced back at her brother's room. "He's like...not doing too well. You can try talking to him, though."

The alien nodded once and began to lumber toward Morty's bedroom.


End file.
